Online Host: With millions of available men out there, women still spend 90% of their time talking about, dreaming of, and searching for "Mr. Right." Yet, despite their painstaking efforts, most women find it impossible to find the right guy -- OR the WILL to leave a doomed relationship for fear of being alone. "The Rules" helps you end that and find the man of your dreams!
Online Host: Ellen and Sherrie are here to take your questions about how to FIND that man in your dreams, and help you MEND destructive dating behaviors. Their rules are said to make most women irresistible to attractive, single men. They are tough, but well worth the long-term goal - a wonderful relationship with a devoted boyfriend or mate. Keep love exciting forever! We're glad you're here!
Online Host: Welcome Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider!
Question: I'm 29 and have been in a serious relationship for 3 years. We were friends for 3 years before that. My boyfriend makes no noise about marriage. Should I leave a good thing to risk looking for someone new?
The Rules: "Next!" That's an easy answer -- after that long, we say, "Next."
Question: I have had my eye on someone at work (Ad Agency) for about a year. He must know who I am but we have never really spoken personally. Could he just not have seen me yet? Should I drop him an email or something? Thanks.
The Rules: It's already over. It never works when you notice him. It only works when he notices you first. Women make things up in their heads. We are great at doing that. But that's not "The Rules." He needs to notice you first. We're hands on the table; he either noticed you, or he didn't.
Question: Hi. What if I follow all "The Rules" and he still isn't giving me the attention I deserve?!?
The Rules: Maybe you need to see a therapist. Because if you are doing all "The Rules," and he's not giving you enough attention, I never heard of that problem. I don't know what kind of attention you're getting, but we get very few complaints about men not giving not attention. If anything, Rules Girls deal with stalkers.
Question: If a boy likes you, and he asks you out, but your most friends don't like him, and he isn't that cute but he's really nice, and you want to say yes, what should you do?
The Rules: Of course go out with him. What a silly question. Rules girls go out with who they like, not by other people have told them to do. Rules girls are independent thinkers. We are very feminist.
Question: I am in a relationship. When I am coming on strong, he loves it and needs that attention...when I back off, so does he. He is very insecure. Is my behavior OK for this type of relationship?
The Rules: Not really. It sounds like you're making it happen. So, if you're not making it happen, it doesn't. That's not "The Rules." We don't make it happen, the man makes it happen. When you have to spark a man's interest by giving him attention, you won't be able to keep it up. Inevitably you will lose your ability to keep it up and he will be gone before you know it. Inevitably, down the line, after you have kids, he will become bored or disinterested and either leave you or cheat on you.
Question: How do you suggest a woman handle those little lies men tell from time to time as many (even good ones) do? Do you gently confront them; become distant; or what Surely, you don't dump a guy who is in most other respects good.
The Rules: It depends. What does he lie about? Does he lie about other women? Important things? How much money he makes? When he's lying to "get" you, that's not so bad. Like, if he's lying about his age or something - something to look more attractive to you. If he's lying about cute things that's okay, if it's serious things that's never good.
Question: Should a woman ever approach a man, and if not why?
The Rules: She should never approach a man, cause he didn't notice her. And we don't believe men are shy, just really not interested. And Rules girls only want someone who is really, really interested.
Question: Who makes up the rules? Are the rules based on your own experiences or have you polled all of the successful women who have found their Mr. Right?
The Rules: They're just spiritual. I can't explain it.
Question: I tried a long distance relationship with someone I met online. He can't seem to make up his mind about *us*. One minute he says he loves me, the next minute he says the distance is too much... What can I do?
The Rules: Dump him. The distance is just too much. If he really loves you, he wouldn't be thinking about the distance, only about how much he wants to be with you and how he can get on a flight to see you.
Question: Do long distance relationships have a good chance of working or not?
The Rules: As good as any other relationship if you do "The Rules." When they love you, they love you.
Question: Is there ever an incident where it's okay to call a man?
The Rules: If his mother dies.
Question: How do you make it happen and how do you know if it is real?
The Rules: You don't make it happen. You're heart tells you if it's real. He is pursuing you, and you're deciding. We all know when we like a guy. If you have to think about it too much, then you probably don't. It's not about the head, it's about the heart.
Question: My friends tell me I'm too picky, but I don't want to waste my time with someone who I don't feel any spark with. I'm 24 and never really dated.
The Rules: You're too young to settle.
Question: I know I am not supposed to bend "The Rules," but what about phone calls in a long distance relationship? Can they be 15 or 20 minutes???
The Rules: Yes. As long as you end the conversation first. In "Rules Two" we are going to cover a lot about long distance relationships.
Question: I just was dumped by my boyfriend of one year. How do I let it go?
The Rules: Keep telling yourself, "Next"... Believe the abundance of the earth. That someone better is out there for you. Keep telling yourself that on bad days. Repeat it to yourself over and over.
Question: So, does a woman have to follow these rules all of her life? Even after the relationship is in a committed stage?
The Rules: They just fall into place naturally, with you doing less. Just do "The Rules" and you'll see. If you've followed "The Rules" throughout the course of your relationship, it will happen naturally because your husband will continue to be that crazy about you.
Question: Are there specific rules for cyberspace relationships? Or do the rules stay the same?
The Rules: The rules stay the same. Although, we're not thrilled with cyberspace relationships. It's hard because lasting relationships rely on physical attraction. We really like it when the man is attracted to you physically from the first moment. On cyberspace, it's like the man is attracted to your mind first.
Question: My friend is involved in a long distance relationship. She sends things -- cards, cookies, letters, he has NEVER sent her one thing....should she accept this???
The Rules: She should not send him anything, she should not call him, she should not write him. "Next."
Question: Both of you are now married. Do you still use "The Rules," and, if not, what is your secret to a successful married relationship?
The Rules: If you did "The Rules" from day one of the relationship, it's easy -- it's a piece of cake. The marriage is easy. If you didn't do "The Rules," and he still married you, then do "The Rules" in the marriage. For example: don't call him in the office so much, leave him alone when he's watching a ballgame, always be happy and busy, not nagging and overly interested in everything he does, everyday. Basically, ignore him a little bit.
Question: Are there some types of men for whom the rules simply will not work?
The Rules: No. "The Rules" work on all men.
Question: What if you're in town visiting over the holidays and an "old friend" asks you to call him while your in town, do you call??
The Rules: If it's an old lover, no... if it's an old friend you've always had a platonic relationship with, you could. But definitely not an old lover.
Question: Suppose Mr. Right doesn't make a good salary and you do? Should you drop him?
The Rules: No. We're not gold diggers, we marry for love. If you love him, see him. I mean unless money is very important to you, then go ahead. But "The Rules" is about love, not money.
Question: How do I keep a relationship in the *love zone* if you know what I mean?
The Rules: You do "The Rules." Don't call him, don't see him more than once or twice a week, end phone conversations first. Be mysterious.
Question: My boyfriend and I are waiting to have sex....he wants us to be completely in love...me too. Do I bring it up or wait for him...he does not want to push me.
The Rules: The man should initiate sex.
Question: In summary, why should a single woman buy this book?
The Rules: Because "The Rules" is about getting a guy to marry you, so if you're single and want to get married, this book is for you.
Question: Is it true you should always keep the guy wanting more?
The Rules: Yes...and you do that by getting off the phone in 10 minutes, by ending the date first, less less less. Men love mystery. They love challenge.
Question: Do you believe in soul mates? Love at first sight?
The Rules: Yes, we believe in love at first sight. We believe the best rules relationships are based on looks. He's attracted to you -- notices you -- and wants to talk to you. You're his type, whatever that is. You're better off meeting a man at a party, then on Cyberspace. They have to see you.
Question: What if you really like a guy and you're good friends with him, but you want more? You think he's interested because he hangs out at the same places you do...
The Rules: The way to find out is to do "The Rules" on him: don't call him, get off the phone first in 10 minutes, don't go dutch on dates, don't be his "friend." But never tell him you want more. He has to bring that up. Don't treat him like a friend. Treat him like any other man...do "The Rules" on him.
Question: Didn't follow rules with this guy the first time we dated. Now could get back together. If I follow "The Rules" now, can it work?
The Rules: Only if he pursued you from the very beginning...but if you chased him the first time around, it's practically hopeless. Just do "The Rules" on him now, don't call him, end the dates first, etc.
Question: I've been happily married for 5 1/2 years. What kind of advice do you have to make my marriage even better?
The Rules: Call him less at work, wear sexy clothes. If you're over weight, lose weight. If you feel like you tend to complain a lot, change that. Be happy, giggling, act like you're dating again. V-neck tops. NO sweats. Lot's of makeup, manicures. Take care of yourself. Feel good about yourself.
Question: You say "The Rules" are spiritual. That's good. I can accept that. Then would you say that it is imperative that you narrow your search to someone that is equally yoked? Someone who has the same moral and spiritual beliefs?
The Rules: The man you want to marry probably has the kind of character you like. When you meet the guy you want to marry, you know it. Don't worry about it. You'll just think he's cute. It's not so deep.
Question: Do you have rules on how to get noticed or does that break the rule of letting things happen naturally?
The Rules: You can't make a man notice you, cause if you are a brunette he might like blondes, etc. But you can wear lots of makeup, grow your hair long (men love long hair), dress in a feminine style. You can't stare at a man to make him notice you. You are either his type or you're not. Look your best and see what happens.
Question: I don't understand how you call yourselves feminists ... and yet frown upon a woman approaching a man ... before he has "noticed" you ... why should women act passively?
The Rules: Feminism is all about equal pay for equal work. It has nothing to do with affairs of the heart. Man must pursue woman.....that's the way it works. It doesn't work when woman pursues man.
Question: What about the women who want to be the aggressors?
The Rules: They should apply that aggressiveness to the office, to the stairmaster, to running a marathon...being aggressive with men does not work.
Question: How do you know that "The Rules" work on all men?
The Rules: Because human nature never changes. Man has always pursued women since the caveman days. It's just men are different than women. They biologically the aggressor. They love race car driving, bungee jumping, risk taking...they love the chase. So we just do "The Rules," and let them chase us.
Question: A friend of mine has been in a relationship for almost 4 years. He is satisfied w/the status quo, but she is ready for THE ring. What should she do?
The Rules: Knowing nothing about how they met or if she did "The Rules" for four years... four years is an eternity....just break up with him. If he loves you, he will produce a ring... if he isn't interested or feels he can live without you, he won't.
Question: How can I, as a mother, teach my daughter that this rules are tried and true, without sounding like an old woman who doesn't know how things are today?
The Rules: You can't make anyone do "The Rules"...you can buy her the book, you can tell her it worked for you or others. Most women that do "The Rules" really know that their way didn't work. Nothing convinces you better than being dumped, unfortunately. If you don't think that "The Rules" work, go out and chase men, and call men, and pay for dates, and tell us about it.
Question: It sounds to me as if "The Rules" will work only for physically attractive women. Where does that leave those of us who are not so blessed?
The Rules: Absolutely not true. A beautiful woman that doesn't follow "The Rules" has less chance of getting married then a less attractive woman that does "The Rules." There is a man for every woman. Maybe you look like his sister. Maybe he likes plain looking women. Do "The Rules" and you'll be surprised.
Question: Should you follow "The Rules" by faking that you're busy and disinterested even when you're not?
The Rules: Yes, that is the key to "The Rules." If you're busy, great! But if you're not busy, act like you are. If he asks you out for Saturday night later than the Wednesday before, and you don't have plans, tell him, "Thank you very much for calling but I have plans." and decline.
The Rules: Sorry everyone, but the Rules Girls have to go! But we would be happy to send anyone a free newsletter. Send a postcard to The Rules, FDR Station, P.O. Box 6047, New York, NY, 10150. The newsletter will give you the rates on our private phone consultations, seminar tapes, and also information on support groups around the country that you can meet with or call when you think you're about to break "The Rules" and call him! We can be reached in NY at (212) 973-0751.
The Rules: Goodnight.
Online Host: Thanks for being here everyone! The best-seller "The Rules" is available everywhere - and makes a perfect stocking stuffer for those of us struggling to tackle love in the 90's! We want to thank both Ellen and Sherrie so much for joining us here this evening, and wish everyone a healthy and happy holiday season! Goodnight from Harpo Studios! Good luck everyone!
